You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
