You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
