why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
