How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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