Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
