he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
porn star boner night. come get it.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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