Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize