Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I know her cup size but not her name....
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
