i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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