i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
