Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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