ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
