mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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