I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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