Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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