I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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