What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
