1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
