If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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