I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
