He disabled his match.com account in front of me
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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