nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
