I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
