Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
