trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
