Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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