K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize