Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
