I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
