Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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