He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
