You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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