I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
