Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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