There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
bring money and cleavage
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
