JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
