I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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