im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
