Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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