Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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