yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize