i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
