you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
