those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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