i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
