this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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