I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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