My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
