Have you finally orgasmed yet?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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