yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
