New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
