oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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