Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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