fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
