dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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