lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
