i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
